did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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