Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
