I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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