i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
