apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
