I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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