The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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