I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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