i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
