does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
