I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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