The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
