last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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