I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
