Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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