We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My vagina is officially offended.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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