I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
