you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
