you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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