did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize