I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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