I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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