The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
And then he peed in my hair
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