I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
