My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
