This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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