Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
