It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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