I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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