Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
