I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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