just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
