He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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