someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
