Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
