Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
