Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Please don't give away my fajitas
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