I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
