he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
