nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
