Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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