dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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