i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
