I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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