so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
