the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
