I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
