Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
