guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
