I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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