People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
