Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
