I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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