I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
