went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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