All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Your penis caused this!
dude. I can hear the air.
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