I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
