I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
