Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
